To tell you the truth, I would be surprised if we are hired for this very often. It is such a new idea.
I expect that the bliss of new love is always so wonderful and cozy and amazing and the idea of bringing in a mediator is scary. And we really do not mean brand new relationships. There is a tipping point in every relationship. It is ineffable and ethereal. It is a delicate point where the relationship could still end and no major trauma would occur but one is starting to see a great future.
Then comes a conversation, a talk about making it more serious, taking it to the next level.
Right then, that’s when expectations are floating around in each person’s head but they dare not say it for fear that they will ruin the delicate moment. That is the moment when a mediator can help the most but it is also a moment when the couple should do their best to be explicit themselves and not bring anyone in from the outside. This next phase of a relationship can take years, and one can go years without ever realizing that there are fundamental expectations about the relationship not being met even unknown to the people involved. At any point during any of these phases a mediator could help if both parties feel one can help.
Do you have any examples of what this would be like?
I have two from two couples who have agreed to let me briefly cover their stories anonymously.
The first couple was at that very new phase in their relationship and I was very careful with this very delicate part. Every bit of communication was focused on the positive with an expectation that everything will go well. I was honored for them to allow me in during such a time. They had just recently decided to be more committed. What I learned was that without the mediation one of the partners would have expected the relationship to remain open as they had been. Their previous communication about this was a simple agreement to be “more serious” with the relationship.
For one this was an “expected agreement” that it meant exclusivity, for the other this was an “expected agreement” that just meant prioritizing.
It went well in the end but the small upset in my office was far less serious than the major upset that would likely have come about had it remained unspoken. They also were happy to get on the same page about sharing costs, school pickup times, and one sexual expectation that had been established early on but that neither wanted anymore and neither wanted to bring it up to the other.
The second couple had been together for a year and they were discussing moving in together. The only thing that had been discussed so far was that it would save them money and was very attractive because of pandemic loneliness. I asked questions and directed attention towards positive things throughout and allowed them to bring concerns up in a safe way. We had several rounds and on the 3rd round after bringing up things that seemed to be of little consequence the topic came up of upset around how one of them acts in public. This had been a concern for over a year with neither party being aware that it was a problem. It came up in passive ways sometimes and in moments of stress had been brought up in a resentful way. This could have stepped into the realm of therapy if we had decided to go there. Instead by framing it as something that was an expected agreement which became an implicit agreement it was ingrained as a positive thing for one and a negative thing for the other. By making it an explicit agreement both sides felt much better about it and that solved the whole thing.
Expected Agreements vs Implicit Agreements vs Explicit Agreements:
The single most common problem all relationships have is an agreement being assumed by one party on the other. This is extremely common. An implicit agreement in contract law is not written down and arises from the actions each has taken thus far. It is a fair expectation but it is also the place where uncertainty goes to exploit the boundaries of an agreement. An explicit agreement is one that is known fully and preferably in writing. An expected agreement comes from a party assuming the other person would “of course” agree with them on this or that matter.
It is natural to feel that way.
A person in a new relationship feels so close to the other person that the assumption is that most of their thoughts or opinions are the same as the other person. Usually they are, but feelings are not as rigorous as our minds would want them to be and if we actually had everyone state what they want then we mitigate heartbreak. It is common for an expected agreement to be broken and for that to be ignored and then an implicit agreement forms from the repetition of this unwanted action. The solution is an explicit agreement. This is done by either saying, “hi, can we make an agreement about xyz?” Or by hiring a mediator for a couple of hours to help you navigate it.
The Problem with this:
People do not know what they want. That is sometimes true and not always the problem. But it is the problem with trying to mediate something that is still in development. You can take a lovely relationship and turn it from a place of exploration to a negative feeling of being pinned down to something before you are ready. This is easy to navigate if you know that, but it is why you don’t hear about this kind of mediation. But this kind of mediation is not meant for exploration, it is meant to solve very small problems that, if ignored, become very big. In most cases both parties want the mediation and know what they have come to discuss. That makes this easy.
In very rare cases this can be meant to navigate a relationship that is already having trouble but is still new and very delicate but wanted by both sides. This might happen also in arranged marriages or arranged relationships. The trick in that scenario is to simply not bring anything up or discuss anything at all unless both people want to. With standard mediation all topics are on the table. With relationship mediation each side brings up topics in private and some of the ones that match are the ones that we discuss in round 1. Then in round 2 I ask each side privately if they want to add anything to the topics and usually that is when topics start to match more. Then the couples talk privately and invite the mediator back in and we establish if a round 3 or more is needed. In the end each party leaves more certain of where they are at and what the next steps should be.
As a problem, this is usually self regulating, if a couple is coming to me, then they feel they need clarity and want to strengthen their relationship. Because of that the essential element of mediation is present, both parties want the mediation. The rest is just me helping them achieve clarity they are seeking. Because of this new relationship mediation, the relationship is strengthened and it helps it last much longer.
How long will this take?
I would expect to be done with the entire mediation in a few hours. This is compared to Divorce mediation which can sometimes take 20 hours.
What is the best stage to do mediation in a relationship?
Just before marriage is the very best time. It can help at other times if both people would like it. In arranged marriages or arranged relationships I think it is essential. But prenuptial mediation should always be done before any prenuptial agreement.
Whenever you decide to do it, the care that will be taken to protect the relationship will be placed as the highest goal so you should expect to come out of this kind of mediation feeling stronger, more certain and more stable than ever in your relationship.
